It doesn't even have anything to do with him. it's easier this way, because when he fails all the tests, I won't be disappointed, because they were set up in a way to ensure that he would fail. and, in turn, I would not be disappointed by the outcome

Okay so i'm getting bad about posting - but the important thing is that i'm posting now....

So both my roommates went home this weekend and Dave came over and spent the night, and i realized a few things about myself, they are as follows:

A - I will look for any and every excuse to keep him at an arms length

B - I will do anything and everything to avoid any type of communication about why i push him away

C - I think i do this so because they're all tests, tests to see how much he'll put up with before leaving - because thats what he's always done he's left, so i need to see if he'll really stick around this time

The problem with C is that how will i know when he's passed? hmmm.... thats the problem with this, the way i m going he'll never pass b/c I'll never let him, because then what? We cant just live happpily ever after, that never happens in real life. Everyone i know in a relationship has some major underlying issues that keep them from being totally happy with eachother. How did u become so cynical at such a young age.

What's sad is i always prided myself on being such an honest person, i hardly ever lie, and i especially always held it above Dave's head how i was much more honest than he was, ironic isnt it? I lie all the time to him, when i chose not to tell him that i love hom when i m thinking it, thats sort of a lie isnt it? or its at least not being totally truthful. He claims to know so much about me, but does he really? Does he really know the depths of my scaredness about him hurting me again? And why dont i tell him b/c when i try he always just says well that was the past its different this time. What he doesnt get is that he ALWAYS says that, and its different for awhile and then it ends up the same. And i m sure thats not entirely his fault *sigh* And he doesnt think i pray, but you know something honey? I thank God every single day for bringing you into my life

So honey, I'm sorry for being difficult/emotionally unavailable/just plain crazy but you have to know that

I love You

So I tried to post before...but of course it disappeared...I really hate when that happens :(  .....Anyway my economics midterm was this morning..and i think i did pretty well....a solid B i think, not too bad considering it was pretty hard...plus there's that A i think i got on my history midterm :D

I met with the study abroad coordinator here, and she told me that they rarely reject people to go abroad, but what could happen is that if a lot of people apply to go they can only take so many, so i might have to wait a semester, hopefully not a lot of people will want to go.  She also said that less people apply in the Fall for some reason, so thats good news :D and that everyone who wanted to go this year got to, so that awesome, hopefully the same will happen again for next year :D  So i just need to keep my grades up, hopefully not a lot of people will apply, and i could be in London next year.  The only bad thing though is i could potentially be the only Marist student at the particul ar college i want to go to, because for some reason the coordinator told me not a lot of people go, right now there's noone at our school there, and next semester there's only going to be three.  Oh welll  hopefully if i go i can deal with that, but its not like i'll be the only one in London, lots of other people from here will be in various schools near me.  We'll se how it goes, i REALLY want to go, i wish i could find out if i can go now, but the application isnt even due til March 1st so i have awhile, i dont think they tell you til May :(  No fair, i wanna know now.    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp; 

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  Just think of all the great shopping i could do in London!!  And its not even really expensive to go, the total thing with spending money, airfare, housing, tuition, etc. is $40,000 for the year, but tuition here is $30,000 so its really only an extra $10,000 for the year, or $5,000 a semester, i think paying an extra $5,000 per semester is a damn good deal, to live in London!!  And the London College Of Fashion n is a really good school, no matter what stupid David says...i told him that their alumni includes people like Jimmy Choo and John Galliano his response was "so it can still suck." yet he always brags about Vassar alumni....hmmmm...Dave being hypocritical?  nahhhh....that never happens :wink:

   So last night Jenna and I decided to attempt our double date again for next Saturday...she is also giving Dave and I total control for who she goes out with....silly girl... has she not seen my taste in guys?? (just kidding of course hon:D) & nbsp;Anyway...so who should I set her up with the REALLY rich weird kid, or the cute normal one?  Usually i'd say the cute normal one hands down...but i think she really want to date the rich one, plus he really wants to go on a date with her...ohh i dont know which one to pick...hmmm...    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp; 

ughhhh...i have a TON of reading to do for my counseling midterm Tuesday...blahhh. :(  plus i have this HUGE portfolio to do for Economics for Tuesday.... :(     ;   blahhh h.....too much stuff to do     ;   

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Shadow

    ~ Ashlee Simpson

I was six years old
When my parents went away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn't wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more
And my escape was hiding out and running for the door

Somebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you're listening
There's so much more to me you haven't seen
Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally be
Don't feel sorry-

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Oh, my life is good
I've got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past in the past

I was living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
I'm living in a new day
I'm living it for me
And now that I am wide awake
Then I can finally be
Don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day

Ughhh did u ever just have one of those days?  I think this song sums it all up.  I was checkin my e-mail today when the president of my school sent out an e mail saying how marist was listed as one of the top 143 business schools in the world.....Dave's exact response to this new.....don't take this straight to heart it doesnt actually mean anything.  The princeton review doesnt review that many schools, its not important.  thanks dear, i know i dont go to Vassar or anything, but believe it or not marist is a good school. why do u always have to ut everything down? Why dont u just say it?? I"M NOT AS GOOD AS YOU, i know its what u think, or at the very least it s how u act.  Oh u go to marist, ur stupid, oh ur just a fashion major what do u know? geez this song is right i am living in the shadow of someone elses dream, i'm ALWAYS second best and thats to you dear.  All the jokes u make that u think are sooo cute, how long have i been telling u they're not.  This morning- perfect example- i'm worried about my huge history test, i m being little miss pessimistic, oh my gosh, i m gonna get a D, blah blah blah, ur response, oh my gosh a D?! if i got a D i'd just kill myself, like seriously u can live with urself after getting a D?  thanks dear way to put me down, when u know very well i have gotten a D on things before.  now here's where u say, "oh honey, i was kidding" newsflash ur not funny, b/c we both know part of u is serious.......:(

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Okay so Megan is working my last nerve....i cant even explain everything she's doing to piss me off because it will take all night.....but i'm ready to tell her off, and tell her to get a life, i'm sick and tired of having to be totally silent while she does homework, yet she's incredibally loud while i do work or try to sleep, and i'm sick of her stupid boyfriend...or should i say her lovey...they make me sick :?

Ughh, and another annoyance, i was supposed to meet with my advertising group at 9:30 tonight in the library, but only one other person showed up, so we waited for 20 minutes before finally leaving.....why am in a group with morons?! how hard is it to remember a time??  Plus i have soooo much studying to do for my history test thursday :( i need to do really well this semester or i cant go to London.  I think i really want to go, and i was talking to Jenna, and she might go to London first semester now instead of 2nd which would be awesome b/c then at least i'd have a friend while i'm trying to adjust :D oooo i really hope i get to go!

i'm really tired and i have my 8 am class tomorrow...which really sucks, and then right after that i have another class, then right after that i have to help set up a gender equality event, then after that lunch, then LOTS of studying, then dinner, then lots more studying, then bed (which will be the highlight of my day) i just want this week to end.....

ugh Megan is sooooo dumb she acts like she's sooo smart but she's not, she's a freakin moron, she's yelling at the tv at John Edwards (we're watching the vice presidential debate)  she's a republican.....what 19 year old is a republican??  I think she secretly thinks she's 50...oh yeah and she want to the doctor today she doesnt have an ulcer the doctor told her it was all in her head...what a shock :roll:, now she's whining that John Edwards is a moron, although might i add when we turned this on she turned to me an was like "wait which one is John Edwards?"  ummm hello which one do u think he is?!  the one in the suit answering the questions!!! geeeez :x ughhhh y does Megan need to talk to her boyfriend literally at least 12 times a day??!! get a life....now why does this bother me soo much u may ask? well because its very annoying to try to do work while she's talking extremely  with things like "oh lovey" "call me the second u get home" "i love you sooo much" "muah" "i miss you sooo much" "i know thursdays soo far away" plus he also likes to call in the middle of the night while people are trying to sleep, Amanda and I are sleeping, u want to talk on the phone, GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE!! oh and i also think ifigured out why i'm always soo tired because she sets her alarm everydau for 6:15 but doesnt get up til 8, so EVERY 5 MINUTES (literally) from 6:15 til 8 her alarm goes off for like 2 minutes because she doesnt hit snooze right away...oh yeah its ANNOYING :x like i said yesterday.......its going to be one loooong semester :cry:

fashion is made to become unfashionable ~ Coco Chanel

ok i wrote this whole great blog but it disappeared!!! i HATE when this happens....i'll just give you the gist of it:

i met with my advisor today to discuss going abroad......omg it seems sooo cool.  First of all their semesters are 10 weeks instead of 15 here, so thats awesome...second of all an 85 and above equals an A in their grading system...how awesome is that, plus this school is one if the top fashion schools in the world.......so many famous people went this college...Pierce Brosnon....Stella McCartney....Alexander McQueen....Jimmy Choo......how cool is that??!!  and instead of just having one fashion show one afternoon like at my school, they have their own fashion week!!!!! when Stella Mcarteny went there she had Naomi Cambell model for her!! how cool is that?? and Naomi was like the top model at the time!!! I REALLY hope i get to go!!!! 

I might get to visit Crystal on Saturday!! yay :D  Dave has to go to Albany for something for his internship..so hopefully he wont mind me taggin along

Megan's already pissing me off and she just got back....she thinks she gave herself an ulcer stressing herself out over missing her boyfriend so much....this girl is a freak...whatever

I have a midterm Friday in economics..and a HUGE test in history on Thursday...plus 2 group projects to be working on......how fun for me.....i'm tired of school i need a vacation....who's with me?

There was more to this entry but i dont feel like writing it all....more tomorrow :D

Okay i still need more feedback on Martha Stewart....what should she do to make you want to buy her products.....?

anyway i'm sooo tired waking up at 6:30 does not agree with me :(....i cant wait til i can go to bed, but tomorrow is another busy day...lots of work to get done....Amanda reappeared a little while ago, we're still waiting for Megan..yeah so she's driving here at 5 am tomorrow to get to work........she's soo weird sometimes, its gonna be a long semester...tell me does this make sense.....Megan and her boyfriend Geoff have been dating for like 3 months, but they got eachother bands that they wear on their left ring fingers so a lot of people ask if they're married and whenever someone asks Geoff that he's like "oh no we've only been together for 2 years but we're getting married when she graduates"  ummmm right...or he says oh we've been dating so long i lost track........yeah...okay, thats normal....and she cries when they only talk 5 times a day.....i wish i were exaggerating..she s a strange girl

yeah so i just turned on the premeire of Desperate Housewives....now personally i thought it looked dumb but Amanda's boyfriend said it was really good so we decided to turn it on and give it a try.

......ummm so this show is really weird...the narrator is dead.....and the mom's are freakin weird, one of them just asked her daughter if she should get breast implants...her daughter's like 7...right.....and this one blonde woman on the show....major slut, what else is new?  on every show there s always at least one slut...apparantly its what makes for good television...geeez and i wonder why all these 13 year old are out there sleeping around? hmmmmmmm

Amanda brought back these 2 books i'm really excited to read.  The first one is 5 people you meet in Heaven...i've heard such good things about this book..plus i read another book by the same author and it was soooo good, the book I read was Tuesdays With Morrie, everyone should definitly read it, you cant help but be touched...the other book she brought back was Shopaholic Ties the Knot it looks soooo good its about a Barneys personal shopper planning her wedding...i'm excited to read them

hmmm this show Desperate Housewives i just dont get...why is everyone so crazzy?   Tomorrow i have to get all the October magazines i like, thats exciting...and i also have to get a new passport..mine expired like a year ago....and then i lost it.....oops :( 

i'm sooo excited to see Shark Tale it looks sooooo cute and Amanda told me it was really good, and theres this other animated movie coming out about animals who try to escape from the zoo to go into the wild, it sounds really cute :D

the freshman girls on our floor are soooo loud...last time i checked soccer is an outdoor sprot...they are sooo annoying

and at like 5 am this morning one of the 2nd floor RA's was on my floor screaming random drunken things......right.....that was fun....great example setting....and yesterday i found this clip of Howard Stern talking about my school........it was sooo bad, and the worst part is one of his assistants had the nerve to say our school has division 2 football....ummm i dont think so!! We're division one in over 20 sports.....get it right.....David found the clip paticularly amusing since he's not the biggest Marist fan.........damn Vassar kids what do they know?  he's just jealous......he wishes he went to Marist (uhuh thats right hun i went there......u know u wish u went here :wink:)

So this weekend was really nice, David actually came through on his plans :D....which was really great.  Saturday I saw Farenheit 9/11 for the second time...its a really good movie (although honestly i wanted to see Shark Tale, fortunatly he agreed to see it this weekend with me :D)  the only bad part of this weekend was when for some reason David woke up at 6:30 this morning and decided since he was awake i should be awake too....how fun, and then i waked my elbow on my bed really really hard...and it still hurts :?  thats probably not good.  Anyway by like 9:00 i realized i wasnt going to be going back to sleep...that thought did not make me happy. :? 

This afternoon i had to meet with my advertising group about our Martha Stewart project.....how fun.....our group sucks, and pretty much i dont think we'll be getting an A, since most of the group is just planning on doing the minimal work required.  Our professor gave us a bunch of ideas on how to decided whether or not we should leave Martha as a spokewoman, and if not who should we replace her with, and he suggested we ask some people for what they think....but they didnt want to do that b/c it required too much work so instead we asked the next person that walked by what they thought of Marth Stewart...yeah b/c i'm sure that'll help us :roll

So if any of you want to leave me a comment on your opinion of Martha that would be great!

*sigh* i'm definitly going to have to take control of this project so we do well, i want an A and they better cooperate.

i need to do laundry tonight.........

great Ashlee Simpson song:

Love me for me

It's been three days
You come around here like you know me
You're stuck in my place
Next thing you know, you'll be using my toothpaste
Step up, sit down
Get ready, let me tell you who's the boss now
Stay here, get out
Everytime i turn around you're in my face

Don't care where you think you've been, and how you're getting over
If you think you've got me found
Just wait it gets much golder

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

Shut up, come back
Know i didn't really mean to say that
I'm mixed up, so what
Yea you want me so you're messed up too
I love you, I hate you
If you only knew what i've been through

My head is spinnin'
But my heart is in the right place
Sometimes it has to have it's self a little earthquake

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

I've been waiting all my life
To finally find you
Just so i can push you away
And when youre crawlin on broken glass to get to me
That's when i'll let you stay

Oh, here I am
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me
Love me for me

Whoa, here I am
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

And I think everything's going to be alright     

no matter what we do tonight....    & nbsp;     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   

So since i got a few comments that the colors on my site we're blinding them i decided to change them..hopefully u can read these better, although personally i liked the pink and purple

right now i'm watching Made on MTV...awesome show!! its this really girly rich girl being made into a BMX rider, and all of her friends are being mean to her b/c they think she changed too much, i feel bad for her, and her and her boyfriend broke up....oh well hopefully it will be worth it for her in the end...i wish i could do something cool like that.  i really like the episode with the girly girl who wanted to be made into a skateboarder that was the BEST one, after that i wanted to learn to skateboard it seemed really cool.

YAY for parents weekend, they had a fre breakfast in our lounge for familys and since the lounge is right across the hall from me i got to walk 2 ft and get a bagel, mini muffins, coffee and orange juice, w/o having to go outside...very nice!

Ughh last night was like the worst dinner ever.... i had the most incompetant waitress ever, it took her walking by me 5 times before she ever even stopped to take my drink order, and then it took over an hour to get a hamburger...yeah, b/c they take soooo long to make, and then she forgot part of the order, yeah that was fun...it sucked.  But then i watched Center Stage again, i LOVE that movie, and it was cool b/c some of the stuff they were doing we're things we did in my dance class here, so that was fun.

I kept having really weird dreams last night, in one of them i dreamt my friend Crystal showed up at my house and convinced me to take her cell phone, but it turned out to be really weird it was like u had to figure out this game before u could use it and i couldnt figure the game out...so i got mad at her and was like take back the phone and she was like no its yours now..but then later she took it back...it was weird.  Then in another dream i was at a wedding and i was teaching my 10 year old cousin (which i dont have)  about safe sex....it was sooo strange :?   why do i always have crazy dreams.....?

Some cute quotes:

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life Love shouldn't be one of them. -Dream for an Insomniac

Through any kind of weather, what if the sky should fall, just as long as we're together, doesn't matter much at all - Judy Blume

To continue loving somebody even though there's no chance of that love ever thriving...that's romance -dawsons creek

Sometimes me think, "What is friend?" And then me think... "Friend is what last chocolate chip cookie is for." -Cookie Monster

 There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time ~ Coco Chanel

Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening ~ Coco Chanel

I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.  Coco Chanel

Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving, because one day you will wake up from that anger and the person you love won't be around anymore

Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations, but there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible. It's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between, that make growing up worth it

If something bad happens to us someday, it'll never change what we have now. What we've always had, because you were right, love is real and we have to do everything to keep it alive. Where ever life takes us, I want it to be with you, forever or until tomorrow