It doesn't even have anything to do with him. it's easier this way, because when he fails all the tests, I won't be disappointed, because they were set up in a way to ensure that he would fail. and, in turn, I would not be disappointed by the outcome

Okay so i'm getting bad about posting - but the important thing is that i'm posting now....

So both my roommates went home this weekend and Dave came over and spent the night, and i realized a few things about myself, they are as follows:

A - I will look for any and every excuse to keep him at an arms length

B - I will do anything and everything to avoid any type of communication about why i push him away

C - I think i do this so because they're all tests, tests to see how much he'll put up with before leaving - because thats what he's always done he's left, so i need to see if he'll really stick around this time

The problem with C is that how will i know when he's passed? hmmm.... thats the problem with this, the way i m going he'll never pass b/c I'll never let him, because then what? We cant just live happpily ever after, that never happens in real life. Everyone i know in a relationship has some major underlying issues that keep them from being totally happy with eachother. How did u become so cynical at such a young age.

What's sad is i always prided myself on being such an honest person, i hardly ever lie, and i especially always held it above Dave's head how i was much more honest than he was, ironic isnt it? I lie all the time to him, when i chose not to tell him that i love hom when i m thinking it, thats sort of a lie isnt it? or its at least not being totally truthful. He claims to know so much about me, but does he really? Does he really know the depths of my scaredness about him hurting me again? And why dont i tell him b/c when i try he always just says well that was the past its different this time. What he doesnt get is that he ALWAYS says that, and its different for awhile and then it ends up the same. And i m sure thats not entirely his fault *sigh* And he doesnt think i pray, but you know something honey? I thank God every single day for bringing you into my life

So honey, I'm sorry for being difficult/emotionally unavailable/just plain crazy but you have to know that

I love You